Numbness after Divorce
Nothing quite prepares you for what you will feel.
I lied on the floor staring at the ceiling. I didn’t know how long I’d been there. Minutes. Hours. Likely hours, as my lower back ached from this position. Eight months since my divorce was final, and over eighteen months since we separated. This is not what I expected to feel at this point. Numb. I was no longer angry, sad, nor even depressed. I was numb.
Stages of Grief
That is the thing about divorce. You never really know what you will feel, and nothing prepares you. I had read about the stages of grief and how they relate to divorce. There are five stages of grief. First developed in relation to death but they can be applied to any loss. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The unfortunate thing about grief is that the brain doesn’t differentiate between things that are better lost. For example, you were in a toxic relationship. It is better for you out of that relationship, but you still grieve the loss of it. In reality, you are more grieving the fantasy of the relationship than the actual relationship, but it feels the same. Sometimes, those toxic relationships, even, feel worse.
Repressed Emotions
Besides the numbness, I was surprised how much my divorced triggered past issues I had never resolved. I was finally alone. I couldn’t distract myself or stay in denial, because I wanted to heal. When I set out to heal, I wanted to be in a healthy relationship. I did not realize how much that had to do with me personally. It sounds silly, but it is true. I didn’t know I was living out my childhood trauma through my unhealthy marriage. To not repeat that, you got to deal with the root of your issues. There were emotions from my marriage, I had never coped with. During my marriage, I was in survival mode. That fact was that I couldn’t work through those emotions, until, I was safely outside of it. Oh boy, did 11 years of repressed emotions come erupting out in a matter a months. Those emotions then triggered the repressed feelings from the first 20 years of my life growing up. It was really, really hard. If you are experiencing this, my heart feels for you.
Finding Relief
I remember thinking to myself, if this feeling continues for another month, then I am going to seek out medication. I was already seeing a therapist but the numbness was hard to cope with. It lingered longer than I expected. I think the numbness I felt was a response to being emotionally drained. For months following my divorce, I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I finally had worked through a lot of the emotions, and my mind needed a break. That being said there are things you can to not get stuck in that numbness.
- Go to therapy
- Journal
- Exercise
- Continue in your life activities
- Spend time with friends and family
It is important to continue your life through the numbness. Yes, you may need to do less things. You may need more time, like me, to stare at the ceiling, but you still need to get out. You still need interaction with others. I remember during that time taking my kid out to do stuff. I felt guilty, because I didn’t really feel happy or enthusiastic about it. In retrospect, I still glad I forced myself to do those things. To keep a sense of normalcy. Slowly, I had less days of feeling numb. After of month without numbness, I knew I had turned a corner. It was like it had never happened. Remember these uncomfortable feelings of divorce are temporary. If you feel like you are stuck, then reach out for help. You don’t need to ruminate or live in the past for too long. Focus on what you can do for your future. One day, one moment, at a time.